Voldemort's Fun
by foreverflutterby
Summary: Voldemort gets his Death Eaters uniforms. Rated T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own _Harry Potter_. I wouldn't mind owning Draco Malfoy though. **wink, wink**

Enjoy!

A/N: My bro helped write this and kinda gave me the idea when we had a miscommunication during a discussion on a movie. **cough**_Underworld_**cough**

**cough**_Why Selene always wears leather_**cough**

異常あなたがここに着いた時驚くばかりソダ静かがありなさい幸せ 

**l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.**

**At the Death Eater Super Secret Headquarters a.k.a. McDonalds Hq.**

Voldemort: …Yes, and I'll have a Big Mac and a large Coke.

Worker: And would you like fries with that?

Voldemort: No, no. I'm good.

(Worker leaves)

Voldemort: On to subject #26. All Death Eaters are required to wear the new uniform.

(holds up black leather suit) These black leather outfits that I picked out by myself.

Random Death Eater #1: (raises his hand)

Voldemort: Yes, (mumbles incoherently trying to pass it off as a name)?

Random Death Eater #1: Why leather?

Voldemort: _Avada Kedavra! _That's why leather.

(Death Eater falls to the ground dead)

Voldemort: Any other questions?

(Snape raises his hand)

Voldemort: What is it Severus?

Snape: Can I wear mine now?

Voldemort: (points his wand at Snape, leaving him in one of the leather suits)

Malfoy: (to Snape) (Growls at him flirtatiously and winks)

Snape: (Shudders and moves away slowly toward Bellatrix)

Voldemort: And for my Giants :(holds up a miniscule piece of leather which resembles a thong)

And for Bellatrix:(holds up the giant's uniform again) Hey Sugar, stop by my place tonight. **wink, wink**

Fenrir: (laughs at Bellatrix's misfortune)

Bellatrix: (glares evilly and full of loathing toward Fenrir)

(Worker comes in and delivers Voldemort's food)

Voldemort: (frowns) I said _Coke _not Pepsi. _CRUCIO! _

(Worker falls to the ground writhing in pain)

Voldemort: Go back and fix it! Or I'll have Wormtail pleasure himself with you! Now go!

(Worker scrambles away to get a Coke with Wormtail trailing behind)

Voldemort: And all Dementors will be issued these special masks. (he removes a brown paper bag from his pants)

Dementors: (Shrieks in agony)

Voldemort: Unfortunately, we were unable to acquire enough uniforms for the werewolves, so you will have to make do with this spandex attire. (holds up a one piece suit similar to something that Richard Simmons might wear)

Bellatrix: (laughs mockingly at Fenrir at _his_ misfortune)

Fenrir :( to Bellatrix in a strangely monotonic voice) I hate you.

(door bursts open to reveal Narcissa poking her head out, which attracted the stares of most of the room's occupants)

Narcissa: Draco! It's time for dinner! Also, Crabbe stopped by.

Draco: (with a tone of irritation in his voice) What the bloody hell does he want?

Narcissa: He asked me to tell you that he lost his goldfish, and that he needs you to come and help him find it again.

Draco: (exasperatedly) Yes, Mummy. I'll be there in a few.

Voldemort: (smiling cruelly) Yes, you'd best head off with your dear mummy; you wouldn't want to wander off and get lost.

Draco: (mumbles) I know someone who I wish would get lost…

Voldemort: "…And on to subject #27: techniques of torture, annoyance, and antagonization…"

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NO FLAMES! BECAUSE FLAMES SUCK CRAP! I have never given anyone a flame and I don't plan to because that just puts the author down! Yet there are still idiots that think flaming is okay!

However, constructive criticism is always welcome. )

Have a nice day!

Don't forget to review!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own _Harry Potter_. Of course you didn't need me to tell you that, did ya?

**l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.**

Voldemort: …And on to subject #27: techniques of torture, annoyance, and

antagonization…I'm open to suggestions. If I don't like it, however, you die.

(Snape pulls out his iPod from his leather suit where his boobs would be if he had any)

Snape: This device holds one of the most painful and terrible things you can ever imagine…(he looks around cautiously not to be overheard and whispers) _country music._

(Several Death Eaters gasp and recoil at Severus' words)

Random Death Eater #2: And how do you use this "iPod", as you call it?

Snape: It is quite simple really. You press this button (points to the power button) and you put these earphones into the resistant person's ears. Then watch and wait. All the answers will come spilling out of the desired person's mouth.

Voldemort: Well done Severus. I will reward you for your efforts. (throws a Tootsie Roll to Snape).

Snape: (wryly) Thank you for your generosity, Master. Also, if country doesn't succeed, and they actually _like_ it (shudders) rap never fails.

Voldemort: Ooh, ooh! That reminds me, I have a joke!

(Everyone groans inwardly)

Voldemort: How come they wouldn't let Snoop Dog and Eminem on the bus?

Everyone: ……

Voldemort: Because they didn't have 50 Cent! (laughs uncontrollably then wipes a tear from his eye) Ahhh, a classic. Moving on!

Fenrir: (hoping to earn a Tootsie Roll as well) I have also come up with an idea of mine. Forcing to make them watch a music video featuring Richard Simmons and Michael Jackson. (he sighs) I have seen many terrible, terrible and traumatizing things in my life. This being one of them. I barely made it out _alive_. (sobs)

Malfoy :( who appeared out of nowhere after finishing dinner with his mother and telling Crabbe his goldfish went to the "happy farm") I'm sorry to hear Fenrir. _So_ sorry.(Draco hugs Fenrir tightly. Inhaling his smell)

Fenrir:(awkwardly) Draco, you can let go of me now. I'm fine, really.

Draco: No you're not. You're a mess. Come home with me tonight and I'll make you _very_ happy.

Fenrir: I really must insist, I'm _fine_.(Draco still holding on) GET THE $! OFF ME!

Draco: Have it you're way, _mon aimé. _I'll get into your pants one way or another. All work and no play makes Fenrir a dull boy.

Voldemort: Hands off! He's mine!

Fenrir: (wimpers and curls up in a ball)

Wormtail: (whines) I want to play in the Play Place!

Voldemort: Nonsense, Death Eaters do—not—play—in— Play Places! You shall pay for your insoquence!

Bellatrix: Don't you mean _insolence_?

Voldemort: SILENCE! (slaps Bellatrix with a girlie slap)

Bellatrix: (sarcastically) Ah jeez, the front of my face. It hurts a motherf$&#.

Voldemort: Back to our discussion. What can we use against children?

Everyone :(clueless)………

Malfoy:(after 5 bazillion frefrillion years of silence) Michael Jackson! It's perfect...We can even have a slogan for it! I'm thinking: He will touch your _children_, he will touch your _family_, and he will touch _you_, if you rebel against the Dark Lord's commands.

Voldemort: _Fabulous_. Here: have two darts. (throws darts to Draco, one hitting him smack in the forehead and the other in his eye)We must recruit them before the others do. We will meet with them at tomorrow's show.

Everyone?

Voldemort: Did I not tell you? I'm going to force the NBC to give us a show. Starting tomorrow. To attract viewers, Bellatrix will be in the nude.

Bellatrix: WHAT?

Draco :( laughing hysterically)

Voldemort: You too, pretty boy.

Draco: 0.o

**l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.l.**

To my reviewers:

**Anna B. the Greek-** I'm glad you think positively of this. Reviews are awesome, thanks.

**hotaruchan2002-** Thanks, it makes me feel good to know you are enjoying this.

**Demontrust- **No offense taken, I appreciate your honesty.

**Jinxeh-** A nice and long review. Thanks **so** much. It's great to know that you like this and I hope your day got better.

**Cinderalex-** Yeah, I enjoy writing that kind of stuff with Voldemort. It awesome to hear that you think this is so funny that you made your roommate read it!

**Emma/Hermione#1fan-** I know, flamers are the worst aren't they? They just make the authors feel horrible, and for what? Because they didn't like their fan fiction? It's ridiculous. And thanks a lot for the review, you rock.

Review and you will get a Tootsie Roll!

Ria le Fay


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own _Harry Potter._ But I do have Draco Malfoy tied up in my bedroom closet listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. 'Cause they rock.

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(Really cheesy game show-like music starts and Voldemort walks on the stage)

Voldemort: (to audience) None of you know this yet, but I'm going to kill you all when this show is over…well now you do.

Audience: (laughs)

Voldemort: (to himself) Jeez, what a bunch of _idiots._

Voldemort: These are my Death Eaters and the lovely Draco Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange. (To Voldemort's dismay they were both wearing cloths do to unfortunate circumstances this morning when Bellatrix took Draco hostage and threatened to kill him if she went out there naked. Reluctantly Voldemort agreed…to the two going on stage fully clothed—not to killing Draco.)

Voldemort: (clears his throat)

Bellatrix:…..

Voldemort: Lestrange—what we rehearsed. Remember?

Bellatrix:……

Voldemort: What we rehearsed or I will cast the _Faticus obecialus _spell on you and you will weigh 3 xillion jillion quatillion umptillion grams more than you do now!

Bellatrix: _Fine._ (perky with a fake smile plastered on her face) Today on the show we have special guest Richard Simmons, Michael Jackson, and Paris Hilton! The theme of this show is _How To Make People Really Want To Die_!

Voldemort: And now as we rehearsed Bellatrix will strip for you all!

Bellatrix: No!

Voldemort: c'mon pumpkin….

Bellatrix: No!

Voldemort: 100…

Bellatrix: No!

Voldemort: 200…

Bellatrix: No!

Voldemort: 400…

Bellatrix: No!

Voldemort: 800…

Bellatrix: NO!

Voldemort: Last warning…

Bellatrix: NO!

Voldemort: 1600! _Faticus obecialus!_

(Bellatrix now falls backward with a big BOOM and can't move)

(Richard Simmons walks out in a pink spandex suit)

Audience: (revolted) Whoa!

(Richard Simmons starts exercising)

(Snape jumps in)

Richard Simmons: Come on ya'll, let's do it all together now!

Richard Simmons: Good God! What have you been eating girl? You need exercise with me and things will be all better.

Bellatrix: AAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHH! DEAR MERLIN NO!

Voldemort: That's just plain sick. I think you've learned your lesson. (_POOF_ now she's back to normal.)

(Bellatrix glares at Voldemort evilly)

Bellatrix: (inwardly) Someone's going to die tonight.

Voldemort: Take away Mr. ICan'tGetAnyGayer—I mean Mr. Simmons.

(Dementors attempt to escort Simmons out of the building, but become sick from all the gay happiness radiating from the depths of his spandex coveralls…but not so much covering all…)

Voldemort: (to the audience) I told you I'd kill you all.

Audience: (Cheers)

(Voldemort casts a spell and the audience members all poof into pink shimmering dust that smells like strawberries)

Voldemort: Bring in the new audience.

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A/N: If any of you guys have any weird or funny quotes you want to see someone say in the next chapter, feel free to put it in your review. Thanks to my Reviewers who reviewed the last chapter:

**Emma/Hermione#1fan**

**blueskyshymoon08**

**Moony June**

**Dream Phantom**

Review! D


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own _Harry Potter._

(New audience comes in and wipes the pink dust off their seats that smell strangely of strawberries)

Voldemort: Welcome audience #2. Next we have Michael Jackson

(Michael Jackson takes a seat on the stage)

Voldemort: How do you feel about tormenting little children on our "squad".

Michael Jackson: Children are like corn. I _love_ corn.

Voldemort: Perfect. How do feel about—

Michael Jackson: Children are like eggs. They're all different colors on the outside, but they're all _mmmm_ on the inside.

Voldemort: (calls for Draco) Draco!

Draco: (interrupted from a game of strip poker) What, master?

Voldemort: Come here.

Draco: (lost his shirt and pants) Awww, and I was winning too.

Voldemort: Show me your methods on this young man. Not what you're used too, but still a youth.

Draco: (frantically) M-master, what's going on?

(Michael Jackson is advancing)

Draco: Mother…MOM!

(Narcissa runs to Draco's aid and beats the crap out of Michael Jackson)

Narcissa: Nobody molests my son! I'm suing you for kazillion gillion drillion quillion sazillion xzyillion nillion lajillion gazillion dollars.

Voldemort: Look what you did Narcissa! Now our most potential person is going jail thanks to you!

Narcissa: Well I'm sorry, you just don't rape my son, it's unacceptable behavior.

Voldemort: (mumbles) It's not like he's so innocent himself.

Narcissa: (gasps) Yes he is!

Voldemort: For God's sake Sissi, he's married to a spoon!

Draco: Hey! I'm deeply in love with Sophia! And she loves me too.

Fenrir: She doesn't love you, man. She's just using you.

Draco: No she's not.

Fenrir: You gotta listen. She—ran—away—with—the—dish. They eloped. She's cheating on you!

Draco: Well…you know why she wanted me? Because I have a huge one. His name is Jerry.

Fenrir: Please, don't flatter yourself. It's not that big, I've seen it.

Draco: Don't talk about Jerry like that! My dictator is way bigger than your dictator.

Fenrir: Don't you mean—.

Draco: (calls to someone) Jerry!

(Jerry Springer comes out on stage and all of a sudden Voldemort's show become the _Jerry_ _Springer Show_)

Audience: Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry Springer: Welcome to the Jerry Springer Show.

A/N: I know this chapter was short. Sorry! And also, I can only update on weekends now because I'm starting to get homework.

The following quotes from reviewers will be in the next chapter because I couldn't figure out where to put them in here.

Miaega--  
"My hands! I can't get them off my wrists! Oh, God!"

GerardWay'sFanClub--

"I'm not competitive! In fact, I'm the most non-competitive so I win."

crzyangelchic--

"THE BRIDGE IS OUT".

With much awesomeness,

-Ria


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: By the way, I told my friend Alex about this (she also comes to this website) and she said she's shunning this fan fiction. She doesn't like fan fictions that "make fun" of the characters and stuff. I told her Voldemort is bisexual and she kinda freaked. Yeah, so she's not gonna read it. She's shunning it. Because she's too nice to flame.**

**Chapter 5**

Jerry Springer: This is the Jerry Springer Show!

Audience: Whoo!

Voldemort: (vanishes into thin air) I'm out. If I wanted to see rednecks I would of gone to see the new Dukes of Hazzard movie.

Death Eaters: (Poof into thin air)

(Appears onto a bridge)

Voledmort: We will magically destroy this bridge.

Draco: How?

Voldemort: We will use this magical match. (lights magical match and drops it on the ground. Nothing happens)

Bellatrix: (sarcastically) Brilliant.

Voldemort: Fine. Any ideas?

Fenrir: We could blow it up with dynamite.

Voldemort: Is it magical dynamite?

Fenrir: No….

Voldemort: You and your absurd ideas Fenrir…so cute.

Fenrir:….

Snape: We could use magic---

Voldemort: BRILLIANT!

Voldemort: (says spell) LalalalalalalalalalaBOOM!

(nothing happens)

Bellatrix: I don't even think that was a real spell….

Voldemort: Wait….wait…..wait….wait….and now!...no, wait….wait….wait….wait…wait…wait….wait…wait… wait…..wait….wait….and now!...no, wait….wait….wait….wait…wait…wait….wait…wait…give it a sec'…and…one…two…now! Crap, I guess it's not going to work.

Voldemort: Ideas? Anybody?

Draco: (light bulb appears over his head)

Voldemort: Hey, where'd that light bulb come from?

Draco: We could unclog the Official Death Eater Collector's Edition Toilet with a magical plunger! I've been trying to figure that one out for nanoseconds!

Fenrir: I have an idea we could use a toothpick to---

Voldemort: Is this a magical toothpick?

Fenrir: No….

Snape: You're all a bunch of idiots. (mutters a spell and the bridge collapses)

(Arnold Schwarzenegger appears out of the toll booth for the bridge)

Arnold Schwarzawhatever: THE BRIDGE IS OUT! I am the Governator of California and I like to take soda machines away from schools.

Bellatrix: Where'd you come from?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I am the Governator of California and I like to take away all foods that are made of 50 or more sugar away from schools.

Bellatrix: Okay….

Voldemort: Our job here is done. To send a warning to muggles that death is upon them!

(Everyone apparates back to the Headquarters)

Voldemort: Is everyone here? Or do I have to take roll call?

Draco: (Looks at his…well _where_ his hands would have been) Um…I have a little problem. But I'm pretty sure it's no biggie.

Voldemort: What is it now Sugar Pie?

Draco: I can't find my hands. Judging by the fact I never past my apparition test, I'm going to make an educated guess and say my hands are back with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Voldemort: _Accio Draco's Hands_!

Voldemort: Now _Reattacho_!

Draco: Ahhhhhh! My hands! I can't get them off my wrists! Oh, God!

Bellatrix: (sarcastically) Yes. How mortifying.

Draco: Shut up!

Bellatrix: You shut up.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You.

Draco: You!

Bellatrix: You

Draco: Fine.

Bellatrix: Ha! I win!

Draco: Well you know what? I'm not competitive! In fact, I'm the most non-competitive so I win.

Bellatrix: (rolls her eyes) I'm sure.

**Hello! Sorry for the delay! But I have so much homework like you wouldn't believe! I'm thinking of joining the Drum Line at school. What do you think? Cuz the drum line is pretty cool. If you've ever seen one, you'll know how awesome it is. **

**BTW: The whole thing about Arnold Schwarzenegger taking away sugar and soda machines and stuff away from schools in California is true. He's not a bad governor. It's just that no candy sucks. And I'm skinny too and in great physical shape, I shouldn't have to give up those really yummy chocolate chip cookies at school. I'm really bummed out about it. I'll get over though, I never really bought that stuff anyways.**

**To my reviewers:**

Emma/Hermione#1fan: **Thank you for the review.**

Bexie1271: **It's true. My cousin listens to country music so I was trying to convert her to rock. Didn't work. And all she ever listens to Faith Hill or Kenny Chesney and whatnot, and it irritates the crap outta me. I love punk rock, funk rock, emo, metal, alternative rock, hard rock, you name it. Now I wanna know, what music do you listen to?**

Smittened By Marauders: **I'm glad you love it. I love writing it.**

Shale 101: **Thanks for the review.**

**Review! **

**With Much Awesomeness,**

**-Ria**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hi, I know, I know, this chapter is a little late. Sorry. I hope it's good.**

**Chapter 6**

Voldemort: Due to a lack of funding, we are no longer able to afford rent on walls and a ceiling.

Bellatrix: (death glare) (sarcastic) No crap Sherlock, I thought the walls and ceiling were taken away so we could all get a righteous tan.

Draco: You don't look like your dressed for a tan…shouldn't you be in a bikini or something?

Bellatrix: I was being SARCASTIC.

Voldemort: We _would_ be able to afford walls and a ceiling if Draco hadn't spent all our money on_ natural male enhancements_!

Draco: (twiddling his thumbs) Sorry Sir.

Everybody: …..

Draco: (digging around in his pockets) If it helps I can sell my stash.

Voldemort: No one's going to buy muggle candy for your nose.

Draco: Harry Potter will.

Voldemort: You can keep can keep it. Any idiot can get a chocolate bar or Skittles and shove them up their nose.

Fenrir: I think your misunderstanding what nose candy is…

Draco: Yeah, what do you think the real reason Harry Potter's followers are called Potheads?

Voldemort: Because…?

Draco: Forget it.

Voldemort: Indeed I will.

Draco: (mutters) Old people.

_**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**_

Bellatrix: What the censored was THAT?

Voldemort: Snape, are you blowing up muggles again?

Snape: Yes Sir!

Voldemort: Good. As a reward I'll give you a copy of the _Psychedelic Twinkie Lights of Belgium._

Draco: (talking to the inspirational life-size cardboard cut out of the Quaker Oatmeal Dude) _Me? Gay?_ As if. You don't know what you're talking about Quaker.

Quaker Dude: …..

Draco: I'm as straight as a rainbow! I'll bet I've had more make-out sessions with girls than you have.

Quaker Dude: (cardboard remains still)

Draco: _528! _Are you friggin' kidding me?

Quaker Dude: ….

Draco: What do mean what I _thought_ were women? They were all girls, I swear!

Quaker Dude: …

Draco: I swear, someday when your back is turned. You're gonna get it.

Voldemort: Are you bothering the Quaker Oatmeal Man again?

Draco: He started it!

Voldemort: Don't make me have to come over there!

Bellatrix: Have you'll all forgotten about Potter? We're supposed to be killing him.

Voldemort: Hey, at least I've attempted. I'd like to you try.

Draco: (mimicking Harry Potter) Ooh, ooh, I the Boy Who Lived! And I like to live! I spy on people with my invisibility cloak and let a fart slip! Or in the boys' prefects' bathroom room….or girls'. Or watch Dumbledore being sponge bathed by M C Hammer's mummy. Because I'm a sick, sick little boy that tells on Draco Malfoy for looking at "dirty" magazines when what's in them is completely natural! Not that I'd know of course because I'm Harry Potter and I take cold showers after watching the Quidditch teams change in the locker rooms!

Draco: (pouting) I might have bloody well been looking at a nature magazine it's so natural!

Bellatrix: (feigning concern) Maybe you should see someone about that.

_LATER_

Fenrir: Draco's in rehab again.

Voldemort: (sighs) Is it that nose M&Ms?

Fenrir: No…it's Kibbles n' Bits, Sir.

Bellatrix: You know the drill.

(Bellatrix, Fenrir, and Snape in their Death Eater uniforms walks through a tunnel in slow motion with _Down With the Sickness_ by Disturbed playing in the back round. Bellatrix, still in slow motion, shakes her head to make her long hair flip)

Next Scene (now in rehab clinic)

Draco: It's just so good! I mean, I know its dog food, but, I can't stop eating it! I love Kibbles n' Bits! I—need—help.

Therapist: We know, it's tough. Just hang in there. You need to pass that three day period of no Kibbles n' Bits. Get over the hump. Then you're safe.

(Snape, Fenrir, and Bellatrix appear)

Bellatrix: We have a more effective method.

Draco: No…please don't, _anything _but THAT!

Snape: (pulls out a Barbie doll) Get over it, or Shaniqua gets a blow job by Nicholas. (pulls out a Ken doll)

Draco: (wails) NO! Not Nicholas! Shaniqua and Ken are supposed to be together! Don't do it!

Bellatrix: Quit the dog food.

Draco: I can't…

Snape: 3

Draco: Please, don't do it!

Snape: 2

Draco: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Snape: 1. Woops. Shaniqua decides she likes Nicholas a heck of a lot better than Ken.

Draco: (sobs) No, no, no, it can't be…why?

Therapist: I'll leave you guys alone….

Bellatrix: You had it coming.

Draco: You guys suck.

Bellatrix, Snape and Fenrir: We try.

**A/N: I had lots of fun last night! I went to a high school football game. My team won! I went with my best friends who are in band with me (most of us play flute) and we played the song** **_Boomer Sooner _every time our team scored a touchdown. We played with the highshool's band.**

**To my reviewers:**

**crzyangelchic**Loving the review! Arigato gozaimasu, yujo!

**Shale 101** Thank you for the review!

**EmmaHermione1fan** Wow, you've pretty much reviewed all of these chapters haven't you? And that's great you finally got a user name!

**GerardWay'sFanClub**I tried out for drum line! I did bass drum! I didn't make though. That sucks. I decided to be in Pit instead because they don't have enough people to play xylophone, bells, and marimba and stuff so you don't have to try out. I'm playing a xylophone. It's not like I could play percussion anyways, I'm a flute. I like your user name, way cool! I love the song _Helena_ by My Chemical Romance.

**Smittened By Marauders** I sure hope your not getting addicted to this fic, cuz then you'd have to check into rehab. lol.

**Aussie Trebs**Thanks for the review and the suggestion!

**Kiona Lucine Bloodfang Sabrefang**Thanks! It's good to know that you think this is funny cuz I'm really trying here. Thank you!

**Bexie1217**That's okay. No prob. You don't have to review _every_ chapter. BTW: what music do u listen to on the radio? And I reviewed one of ur fics, the _I Never_ one.


	7. Chapter 7

**Wow, it's been a long time. I had to wait for an idea…and then I got one! A whole bunch of the things mentioned in here actually happened in my band class. Good times, good times…**

**IMPORTANT: Okay, my grammar is not bad. But for some reason punctuations and parenthesis and stuff don't show up when I actually post the chapters. So…I dunno. Does anyone know why?**

Voldemort: Draco, we have a special assignment for you, you will infiltrate Hogwarts due to the fact that our spy without ears was caught because he didn't see the giant cheese wheel coming his way.

Draco: Oh. I was kinda already doing that. You know, 'cause I'm doing Transfiguration homework at the moment and everything.

Voldemort: Erm, well, good. Well, you're going to start a new class because this is where the the Fab 3 are and the infamous.

Draco: Infamous what?

Voldemort: How the hell should I know!

Draco: …What class—poof there goes Draco

at Hogwarts during passing period

Draco: Let's take a looksie at my new schedule. eyes go wide You've GOT to be joking. scowls and crumples paper

enters classroom

Professor: Welcome Mr. Malfoy… to band class. I am you're band director Mr. Vindiola, what instrument do you play?

Draco: Uh……..I seem to have forgotten…I'll be right back…excuse me… dashes out the classroom

Draco:mutters spell enters classroom again

Vindiola: stares oddly

Draco: stares back

Vindiola: stares

Draco:stares

Vindiola: Spit it out punk.

Draco: I'm alto sax.

Vindiola: Great! We need another one of those! Have a seat behind the flutes.

Draco: Absolutely fan-friggin-tastic. sits behind Ginny

Ginny: What are _you_ doing here? You can't even blow your nose.

Draco: smirks I beg to differ.

Vindiola: Let's play some warm-up scales. B flat scale.

Ginny lifts up flute

Draco: Gasps in astonishment at his reflection in Ginny's flute I can _see_ myself. This might not be so bad after all. Hello, Draco. Fancy meeting you here. What's that? You think I should let my bangs grow out long? Maybe you should you should consider dying your hair brown. Yeah, you're right, blondes _do_ have more fun….

Vindiola: clears throat Draco, would care to participate this time?

Draco: Not in the least bit—of course I would.

Draco looks around

Ron. Percussion. Appears to be last chair

Harry. Drum major. Section Leader. First Chair. Bass Clarinet

Draco: _Of course, the Universe wouldn't allow anything less of Harry Potter…_

Hermione. Alto sax. First Chair.

Cho Chang. Flute. First Chair

Fred. Oboe. Only oboe

George. Bassoon. Only bassoon

Draco's thought's: _Wait, or is _that_ one Fred and the _other_ one George? Or is that one the bassoon…or oboe? What's the difference between them? My brain hurts…_

finishes scale

Vindiola: Very good class now we will be practicing sight reading so will you please pass around—

hears giggling and yelling coming from the clarinet and tenor sax section

Seamus Finnigan: tenor sax _Blaise emptied his spit valve on me!_

Draco: snickers

Hermione: angrily What's so funny Malfoy?

Draco: Didn't you just hear? Blaise emptied his spit valve on _Finnigan_! NICE ONE BLAISE!

Hermione smacks Malfoy

Draco: Oh because that hurt _so_ much. I-I think I might just have a concussion, Mudblood! Or perhaps an aneurism? Maybe even gasp _brain damage_.

Hermione: No, I just thought I could knock some sense into you. Seeing now that it's impossible…

Draco: Yeah, well—I will TAKE your spot as first chair!

Hermione: Hmm, yes, we'll just see about that.

Fred: to George Here ya go George, here's the music for the buffoon.

George: to Fred I may play the buffoon, but at least I don't play the hobo.

Fred: No, I wasn't talking about your instrument.

George: You sleep in a cardboard box.

Fred: That was only once. Thankfully, I'm smart enough to not set myself on fire and try to put it out with potions.

George: WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO PUT IT OUT WITH, HOBO!

Fred: I dunno, try your wand?

George: Funny, I'm not the one who got smashed last Friday and woke up with a killer headache hanging suspended by the underpants on the clock tower.

Fred. Yeah. Yeah you were.

Vindiola: That's ENOUGH boys.

giggling, yelling, and screams gradually stop

finishes sight reading

Vindiola: _Now_, let's all take out _Flight of the Bumblebee_. Bassoon, have you been practicing your solo?

George: to Fred This song is so freaking to Vindiola —what? Yes, I'm sorry, go on. smiles sweetly

Vindiola: George, that fabulous smile of yours isn't going to get you out of it this time. Have you been practicing?

George: Yes indeed I have, Sir.

Vindiola: Would you like to share?

George: Fine…uh looks at music sheet Here it goes. plays random keys on the bassoon really fast

Vindiola: Perfect! (George: What the--) You're even better than that drug-addicted-radioactive orangutan that we had last year! He won first place in the annual competition as the bassoon player.

George: mutters God I _hope_ so.

Vindiola: Class, put your finger on your music where the ritardando is.

Draco: Harry, you are such the retardando. Stop it.

Vindiola: And begin!

_**CRASH**_

Vindiola: Ron! Y-you dropped the _snare drum?_

Ron: Sorry Sir.

Vindiola: Check it, see if it's broken.

Ron: puts it back on stand and tests it Sounds better.

Vindiola: sighs Okay class, I'll see you all tomorrow and for Merlin's sake: _practice_!

Harry: I will professor!

Vindiola: Good job Harry, where would we be without a drum major/section leader/ first chair/ honor band boy like you?

Harry: You'd be freaking drunk rolling in your own filth somewhere in the bathroom of a gentlemen's club.

Vindiola: Those were the days…

20 minutes later

Draco: I knew I really shouldn't have followed directions from that pendulum.

Swings one way…then the other…then the other way…then the other way again. And I REALLY have to piss.pout Hey lookie there's a bathroom.

enters bathroom

Draco: Geezaloo, get a load of this place. It smells like smoke. swats at smoke in face gasp _Harry Potter._

Harry: Dudes, this was a great idea whoever came up with it.

Seamus: That was me.

Harry: takes a drag from bass clarinet

Draco: Why this is—this is…complete _brilliance. _

Harry: Hey Mr. Fuzzy Bear, you didn't see anything.

Draco: Not at all?

Harry: Good.

Draco: This saxophone would make an even better pipe than Harry's bass clarinet. The bigger the better, the better the higher. grins

as the bathroom door closes (random band geek: my piccolo is stuck in the toilet again…)

**Thanks to my reviewers!**

**R&R **

**Have a nice day! **


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